I have not woken up this depressed in a long, long time. The simple explanation for Mary was that I was unable to get out of bed at 5am to go to the gym with her - something I desperately need to do more. Granted, I had slept fitfully last night with very strange and disconcerting dreams, but still...
My weight is starting to depress me more and more. I try and eat less, eat better, but I can't lose eve a pound. I have BALLOONED to over 210, where but a couple of months ago I was 190. Another pair of pants this morning proved useless as I couldn't even button them closed. I hate this - I want to blame Depakote for this gain in weight, and while I am sure that it has comething to do with it, I also have to thank Depakote for what seems to be the most stable I have been in a long time as far as seizure control in concerned.
Do I want to be a little porky piglet with no seizures or someone with the occassional episode who has his weight more under control. Can't I have both?
I meet with my doctor a week from today, and perhaps he will have a solution, but damn it I am depressed this morning.
There are 138 days left til Mary and I get married. I love her SO much, and she looks amazing right now. She deserves a groom walking down the isle as fit as she is - not someone who can't fit into the clothes they've been wearing for 10 years by a good two inches.
As Mary will sometimes say to me, I will try to "Snap out of it." But as I said, I haven't been this depressed in a long time.
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